happyjyl
第2楼2006/11/07
楼主是第一个在本版与网友分享原创作品的人,精神可嘉! 写得也很好,继续努力吧
有几处不足,与楼主商榷:
there was a plumber who knocked at our door and asking for some cement…….
点评:who后面的两个分句时态不一致。应改为who knocked at our door and asked for some cement…或who knocked at our door,asking for some cement….
my dad was very angry that he yelled at me.
点评:楼主是想说“父亲太愤怒了,所以向我吼叫”吧?这里应该用so … that…句型。在very …that…句型里,that引导的从句表示原因。例如:I was very angry that he tore up the contract.(他撕毁了合同,我感到很愤怒。)
That was the first time I learnt something that is totally different from the textbooks.
点评:“那是我第一次学到与书本教育完全不同的东西”,这里different from的对象不是教科书,而是教科书所教给学生的东西,所以应改为different from what I had learnt from textbooks(这里用过去完成时)。为避免句子冗长,可把that is 去掉,改为That was the first time I learnt something totally different from what I’d learnt from the textbooks.即便这样也还是太长了,最好将different from的对象改为一个短语,暂时还没想到合适的次,“textbook education”不知道是否合适,大家集思广益讨论一下吧。
As I grew up, I heard lots of bad things, including one of my childhood friends was murdered on one lantern festival.
点评:including后面是一个从句,应该用that来引导。改为including that…
It is a serious social problem. Can it be canceled by free hugs? No way.
点评:个人觉得这里用cancel不太恰当。cancel是指人为的取消,而非自然而然地消除。建议用eliminate或replace。例如:The introduction of firearms did not eliminate the sword but led to new designs.
时间有限,先看了第一段,欢迎大家一起来讨论。楼主很用心,希望多来本版做客!
stargazer
第3楼2006/11/07
今天偶然发现了仪器论坛还有一个英语的版块,很高兴。因为很喜欢英语,最近也在攻克专业英语的难关。。这是前几天看了这则新闻以后写的blog,也没有修改,出现了不少的错误。
谢谢你们的点评,前几条提得很中肯。
第一条我本来是想用“who knocked at the door, asking..."呵呵,算是一个typo.如果加上and的话就必须用asked了。
我想,把“书本教育”改成“education"就足够了,而且简洁。不知道还有没有更好的建议。
关于cancel,我觉得这个用法是完全可以的。曾经听老外用cancel表达非人为的“消除”
在词典里找的cancel例句:
These arguments cancel (each other) out.
不同的争论(彼此)势均力敌.
happyjyl
第6楼2006/11/07
emma,这点我跟你意见不同哦。虚拟语气是用在与事实相反的情况下,例如有一首歌叫做“What if God was one of us”,God不可能是我们的一员,所以可以用what if。但楼主文章里的水管工可能是good guy,也可能是bad guy,所以不能用虚拟语气。what if 与真实条件句的组合也有很多,例如What if tomorrow rains?